Toll Tails

Overheard at the Greenbelt 5 park fish pond.

Tourist: Wow, these fish are adorable!

Local: Do not let appearances fool you. These fish, while brandishing looks indeed similar to the adorable Koi, are actually Philippine Neck-Biting Perch. They’re called Karupa in our native tongue, which, roughly translated, means “soulless swimming demons from the nether regions of hell”. An alternative translation, found in the journal of Father Juanito Chavez, a missionary who came to the country in the early 1600s, is “a water-bound terror which must never be spoken of”. They are actually born an iridescent white, but quickly turn orange the moment they taste blood… human blood.

Tourist: You don’t say…

Local: Oh yes, I say. There have been documented cases of these fish leaping out of the water and onto boats, where they slay their hapless, unsuspecting victims. And these are the juveniles. Adults, especially males, have been known to leap out of the water and actually walk to the nearest town to prey on people. Karupa, sir, truly are merciless, blood-thirsty monsters. My grandfather told me he had seen one brandishing a pistol once…

Tourist: Hang on… a pistol?!

Local: Oh yes, good sir. Excellent marksmen, these sons of bitches are. The Allied Forces tried to recruit some during World War II, but the danger they posed to humans was too great. Too great. (stares off into the distance) The shoal of about a hundred fish who were trained were released into the waters of Central Visayas right after the plan was shelved… and people wonder why the Japanese lost the Battle of Leyte Gulf. Ah, the greatest generation…

Tourist: I guess we’ll be on our way now

Local: (lights a Marlboro)