Rotterdam

I've been trying really hard to find my playing again. Of course I assume that there actually is something to find. I've never really convinced myself that I was any good; just brave and fortunate. I don't know why I can't, for the life of me, string together more than 5 notes and come up with an original lick. It's so damn frustrating-- playing free, feeling a new lick coming on and then ending things with the stuff that's literally been programmed into your fingers. OR, you come up with a something only to find out it wasn't as hot as you first thought it was. What you then do is try to re-work what you've got and land at the door of cliche mansion. And this is just playing with a few notes-- never mind writing a tune.

I've been caught in this rut for ages now. There was initial success in convincing myself that I just did not have enough time to practice, but that cop out lost its luster when I found myself with more free time than a convict. Then there was the "you don't find music, it comes to you" phase. As with pathetic excuse number 1, it seemed promising until the waiting was just too much for a man with my patience to bear. I gave up after 15 minutes. I could, of course, put it all down to sheer, wanton laziness, but can't be arsed to do so.

I'm at the point of concluding that it could all very well be simply a lack of talent. There's no other excuse.