The Bends

Some sort of throat infection hit me two days ago, and I had to call in sick yesterday. Given that I suspected the infection to be viral in nature, I thought it best to lock myself up in my brother's room so as not to pass it on to my baby daughter. My confinement started Monday night and ended only this morning when I got up to go back to work. It was awful lonely, but it was worth the small sacrifice knowing I was limiting the chances of my daughter catching whatever it was that I had.

I haven't felt that alone for some time now. But thinking about it now, I'm actually more in solitude when I'm not by myself.

Sure, the silence of being alone in a room was deafening, but it is nothing compared to the turmoil I feel when I'm around people. I'm not sure when this started, but if you could ask a fish who's thrashing about in the mud what that feels like, you'd have an idea of how it is to be me when I'm not by myself. I do, however, take some comfort in knowing what causes the anxiety-- I'm absolutely positive no one knows who I am.

It's tiring to have to step into a false skin each morning. But there is no other way around things; if there was a viable alternative, I would've taken it. But there is none. I need my mask to survive in a reality that is not mine. Think SCUBA. If I forget to get my gear ready I'm sure to go down faster than a discount whore. I hate it. I positively hate it.

I always disliked having to dress up for other people. If I had to dress up nice, it had to be because I wanted to dress up nice. Now, at times almost instinctively, I put on my mask each weekday at 6am without the smallest sign of protest. It's frustrating.

There are good days now and then, when I forget I'm not in my skin. But having these 'good days' are what scares me the most. A certain comfort-level is tolerated, but acceptance can never happen. I'm afraid I may have too good a day and I never take my mask off. Not necessarily a bad thing, all things being considered. If I am to spend majority of my time underwater, I'd rather do it scuba gear in place.

But then again, there's the bends.