Monday, December 08, 2008


How much of an asshole do you have to be before I can call you one?

Well? Judging from the way things are nowadays there has to be a limit, a quota of sorts. So what is it then? The mass murder of millions of Jews?

Look, if we all sat down and tried to really understand that everyone truly is unique, jails everywhere would be empty. If we all were truly special, how come we're in the mess we're in? This is a message I firmly believe must be sounded: there are idiots out there and it's OK to hate the crap out of them.

Tolerance is one thing, but it can't be the cure-all for everything. Like those juvenile delinquents you see crying almost every week on talk TV. Why didn't you think about missing your mother before you jacked that car? Here's the rub: what do the wise sages we call talk show hosts do? They blame the parents. They blame society. They blame the media. But they try to understand things from the point of view of that car-jacking, crack-smoking piece of shit that just blew a one-year old child to pieces. You can't sit down and try to understand that kind of shit. You let the fucker rot in jail.

You can't sit on a fence for extended periods of time, your ass tends to get tired. You can't make excuses for every jackass out there, you'll eventually run out and be left with "to each his own, I suppose." I have loads of respect for people who can say that line sincerely, but I also want to say them that it's OK to call it like it is sometimes. Everything in moderation, so they say, and the same goes for bullshit. There's so much of it flying around these days you'd think heaven was a dairy farm.

You know what I mean, but people say you just can't say it:
  • Everyone thinks their kids are smart. Everyone. If this were true, how come there are special classes for the slow learners? If this were the case, wouldn't the world be crawling with geniuses by now? If these parents are such keen observers, why is reality TV such a big thing?
  • You call yourself a poet, musician, writer, photographer; an artist. Yes, you are a/an ______. Yes, you and 25 gazillion other people who all claim the same thing. Ergo, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You'd think with the number of talented individuals out there we'd all be puking enrichment. But we aren't. You're an artist? I say you are full of crap. You want to know why I can say that? It's because I am just an under-achieving bloke with internet access. Beat that, you pretentious prick.
  • Blogs. Much like this one, no one cares about yours.
  • That jerk from work. All that asshole does now that he's moneyed and people talk to him is lash out at the world because everyone he knew when he was a little jerk slapped him around. He acts all high, mighty, and popular. He talks about dates with hot women that never really happened. He buys the latest gadgets, always catches up on the latest styles, hypes up Web 2.0, and takes yoga classes. All in an effort to prove to people how he's now got it made. Guess what-- he is still a jerk. A rich, possibly very powerful jerk, but a jerk nonetheless.
  • Don't get me started on self fucking help. No amount of literature will ever make up for the beatings your parents never gave you. If you feel like no one loves you, you're probably right. It's a bit difficult to even like someone who spouts out cliches and quotes Phil McGraw every 5 minutes. Feel like grabbing the latest motivational bestseller? Try alcohol: it's loads cheaper and ten times the fun.
  • Maniacs on motorcycles. If these idiots are so keen on dying, I know several thousand law-abiding motorists who can help them.
(List shall be updated.)


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